What do you think of this excerpt from my story, proofreading?

That's actually not bad! There are a few mistakes, but you can fix them later, so don't worry about them. I like how you used more descriptive words, I guess, like instead of just "walked into the house", you said "she traipsed into the house". And, it was interesting the way you made the story original, instead of the typical "she hated being the one her parents mostly ignored," you vice versa'd it. This thing you have going on? It's original, and interesting, and really good! Good job, keep at it :)